Talk:Denizen/@comment-25400723-20150913230412
Um.. okay. Well there really isn't much I can say about this. Let me get to the point here, this was very short and confusing. The part that confuses me is the fact that this "entity" in the story states that he's eliminated the father (who was the "killer" I guess you could say, even though through the prologue it is stated that he "harmed" but not killed) and nowhere in this story is it mentioned that the father is deceased. And really, if the entity has eliminated the person who first robbed him of life, why would he go on to take the protagonist's life if all he wanted was revenge? "Surely by eliminating the (son/daughter) who seems to be against violence and would never harm another living soul I'll be free!" '' Another aspect of this story that really seems to take away from it is the lack of detail throughout. First off, the "Denizen" part is never explained. Is that the name of the protagonist? The name of the man murdered? The name of the house even? Or maybe just a random title for the story? This needs to be specified otherwise it sticks out like a Megadeath T-Shirt at a Funeral. It is also mentioned in the story in one part that the door.. I don't know which door, but "the door" was very very slightly open. Well, if I'm doing this right then I'll be the first to assume that the door closest to the kitchen would be a pantry/walk-in pantry door. Now if that was slightly left open in any other house well I'm sure the first thought that would come to mind would be '"Guess I didn't close it all the way" 'not '"THE DOOR IS OPEN JUST BARELY THERE'S A MURDERER IN HERE TRYING TO KILL ME AND STEAL MY LUCKY CHARMS!!!11!!!1!". 'Although if someone was trying to steal my lucky charms I'd have to smack a hoe.. Ain't nobody about to touch my magically delicious breakfast cereal :3. Now there's only two or three more things I need to discuss before I'm done so bare with me please. Now in the photograph provided, you can clearly see a figure in the doorway as expected. But the problem comes into play about here. The picture shows a light-ish Gray figure, while the one being described near the end of the story is a pitch black mass of.. ''Mass. ''Maybe you could have gotten another photo or changed the story to make it fit? Now here's just a funny one I want to point out (Don't worry I've made mistakes like this before too) So near the beginning the protagonist finds the photo, and we're greeted with this tidbit of info: '' "'went back up the attic and couldn't help but notice a picture that was on top of the box. It was a picture of a young woman in her room, which was in this house. I noticed a change of colors and instantly realized it as another person standing in the doorway. I instantly threw down the photo as chills ran up my spine. Luckily, it was just a picture. I dismissed it and put it back in the box."'' ''"I instantly threw down the photo as chills ran up my spine. Luckily, it was just a picture. I dismissed it and put it back into the box."'' Okay so you threw it down, assuming it probably drifted to the ground when you did. ''"I dismissed it and put it back into the box"''' But wait a minute.. didn't it just get thrown onto the ground? What did it appear in your hands when you decided to put it back? Overall, this feels very short and rushed, and could have used some major details. Final verdict? 5/10, Getting there! :D EDIT: Upon seeing some revisions and more info added in, I have decided to change my score of three to a five :) ''~King